teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
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Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken