Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
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Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Jogging
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
TODAY
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.