Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
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Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
never stops being funny
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good