Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
You Might Also Like
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing