Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
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The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?