Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
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As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
My time has come.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.