Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
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Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Me too
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.