Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Mornin

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

[montage of me giving-up]

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

When you don’t understand how floors work

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock