Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
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I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
as the prophecy foretold
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I’d hang this in my house.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant