Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

my astrological sign is a french fry

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.