Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
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me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
meow
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?