Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]