Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

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[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?


[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything


For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”


if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing


MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house


*sees Salvation Army bell ringer*

“Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!”

“Sir, we don’t accept children.”

*runs away*


Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.


“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*


Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.