Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
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Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man