Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
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Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Showerkraut
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.