Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
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SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies