Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

Dudes named Chance never had one.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

A short story about romance.

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.