Teach your children to beatbox
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Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
This one, by a wide margin
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*