Teach your children to beatbox
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perfect
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
(by @ZachWeiner )
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.