Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.