Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
This billboard speaks to me
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.