Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
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[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Come back with a warrant
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.