Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
THIS GIRL IS WEARING PINK CAMOUFLAGE WHERE ARE THERE PINK FORESTS
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
If I can pick up your dog with one hand, congratulations you own a cat.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Hubs proposed to me with a really cool flash mob and a medley of Nirvana hits.
JK. He was like, “I wanna marry you.” And I was like, “K.”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie: There are 4 rules