@ShortSleeveSuit

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

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@smithsara79

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

@Jamberee13

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

@ieatanddrink

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

@SerialFuckup

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

@ddsmidt

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

@scorpicpanda

Hubs proposed to me with a really cool flash mob and a medley of Nirvana hits.

JK. He was like, “I wanna marry you.” And I was like, “K.”

@dumbbeezie

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

@KylePlantEmoji

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules