Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

Livid.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.