Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
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I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you