Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”