Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
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Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I can fix him.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast