Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
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As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Can confirm.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.