Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
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Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome