Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

Saw online –

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

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