Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.

JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe