Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
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[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.