Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
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I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.