Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

6. me as a lawyer

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

Tough love is true love

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest