Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep