Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.