Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

Phones down.

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!