@jonnysun

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

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@crunchenhancer

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

@TheBoydP

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

@aka_fatman

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

@CrockettForReal

[first day as a serial killer]

Victim: you ok?

Me: there’s just so much blood

@TechnicallyRon

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

@KenJennings

WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
1 Ricochet
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

@KyleMcDowell86

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

@psybermonkey

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage