teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
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It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.