Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
we r all Mehmet
[first day as a serial killer]
Victim: you ok?
Me: there’s just so much blood
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage