Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

Raisins are grape jerky.

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

hi why am I like this

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil