Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
You Might Also Like
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Wake me when AI does housework
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?