Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
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Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Whoops
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Jurassic park gets weird
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.