Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”