Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

Put this video in the Louvre

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

Alexa turn off the planet

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”