TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
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How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
You can’t outrun your problems…
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?