@FeelingEuphoric

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

You Might Also Like

@alyssalimp

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

@geowizzacist

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

@UncleDuke1969

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

@david8hughes

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

@Mechaniz10

She yelled another guy’s name in bed then we looked at each other. Then she finally yelled April Fool’s! Then we laughed & laughed.

She’s such a kidder..

@debon7

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

@SondraDeeMe

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

@SICKOFWOLVES

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL