TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
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People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most