Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.