Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

Thank you corporation very cool

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.