TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
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“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
one of
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.