Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.