TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
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barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.