Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.