Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

I put the mess in domestic.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

Poetry is my passion

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.