teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
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Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
It will always be this
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes