teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
You Might Also Like
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.