Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

“HELP WITH CAT”

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.