Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.