Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
do u think theres a butter planet?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
“What?”
– Jude