Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
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<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Ugh
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.