Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically


If anyone can remember the jokes from Popsicle sticks, I’ll be exposed for the fraud I am


actually, my grandfather died in a pumpkin spice mine, but you go ahead; enjoy your murder latte.


Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.



*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.


Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!


“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows


4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.


Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”