*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
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If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?
Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
Not too much haha you?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?