@SteveSuckington

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

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@Tmoney68

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

@DestryBrod

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

@ArfMeasures

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

@Midgetspar

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

@heatherlou_

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

@Andee_Stewart

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

@behindyourback

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

@internetluke

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

@WilliamAder

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?