“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
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Pour some sugar on me. More. Keep going. Okay, now bricks.
If anyone can remember the jokes from Popsicle sticks, I’ll be exposed for the fraud I am
actually, my grandfather died in a pumpkin spice mine, but you go ahead; enjoy your murder latte.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”