Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*