Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.