Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
You Might Also Like
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
😂💯