Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

why neck hurt

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine