Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”