Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider