Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.