Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

Get in loser we’re going crying

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

necessity is the mother of invention

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.