Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.