TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
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Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
こいつ天才
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…