Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.

ME: *sends resume*

COMPANY: *no response*

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.