Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
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I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
A man of commitment.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I don’t need a mood ring, I have a face.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
😎 🍻
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
This meeting could have been a cake
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
