Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

What flavor cupcake are these

😩😩😩

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.