Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
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Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
X-tra spooky blend
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”