Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
You Might Also Like
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself